#10, Journey to the unknown

Be my inspiration and rekindle my motivation, journey to the unknown.

My heart welcomes you.

#9 What is this now?

It's been quite a while since I last wrote something here..
Yeah..I definitely have lost interest in writing, or maybe It's more accurate to say that I got frustrated with a lack of originality in anything I do.. It's all futile effort after all...

Anyways, I was just attempting to ponder how I spend most of my time these days and where my aim of life have shifted to. Comparing some aspects of my personality from the past and the present, all I see in the mirror is just one confused dude not knowing where to go or what to do next. And this...convenient shelter where I used to run to in times of trouble--i.e. God's arm--has once again tapped on my burdened shoulder. As I tried to plea for help, I realized one thing that's very wrong..

I was on facebook just then. My status box was empty and I felt like writing something meaningful. Since I was pondering, I started typing, 'God..save my troubled heart' or something along that line. Then I had this split second thought sparking in my head, saying, 'what the hell? why am I spending 5 minutes on facebook status when all I'm trying to do is to talk to God? Since when did facebook become my God, or medium for my prayer?' So I closed the facebook window, and began thinking about what my subconscious intention was. It's not that I wanted to talk to God...if I really longed for talking to God, I'd be talking to Him whenever I want to. I could be talking when I'm working..when I'm waiting for someone or something..when I'm cooking or eating. Truth is that I let this damn social network crap worsen my Pharisaism--writing spiritual stuff on my web page doesn't make me a real spiritual person. Maybe I only wanted people's attention. I have ridiculed my own spiritual thirst by secretly hoping to gain people's attention on facebook...shame on me.

I am only writing this to remind myself for the future reference..
I'm not trying to gain any attention or sympathy..
Barely anybody checks my blog anyways haha.

God bless my troubled heart..

#8, New Year's Resolutions

As the year 2008 is about to be a history,
I give myself a brief moment of indulgence in mushy nostalgia.

For sure, there's been awful lot of incidences that wore me out.
This year's been really extemporaneous..not by choice.
Not a thing I planned ahead turned out promising..and so much more of unexpected bad news, awww.
But by God's guidance, I believe, I became stronger.

In 2009, I'd like to:

-truly understand God's grace
-learn how I can demonstrate to Him that I really understood
-have early morning tea at least three times a week
-say grace before every meal
-read at least 1 book a month and widen my intellectual horizon
-be more attentive in general

-be physically fit
-and lastly, wish you love.

I do pray that things will be different than they were in 2008..

#7, You see..

Indubitably, you're the only one who can read everything written inside of me, even the things I'm not aware of. You've known all that I am even before my birth.. You held my hand and led me until this very moment, and I believe it was done by your divine intervention, not by chances or my own strength.
I thank you.

I try not to forget how you've been working in my life, but It's getting harder.
My soul is terribly weakened that I no longer can balance my life and pay attention to my spiritual needs. I feel like I am helplessly floating on the open sea without knowing where to go and what to do now. In search of a relief or ways to empty my troubled heart, I say whatever I want to say and laugh at things. But...now I have more complaints, doubts, and deepened hatreds.

I'm nothing like Job or Abraham. I don't have such a great faith..
What do you see in me that's so valuable to you that makes you say you love me even when I appeared to be the least bothered about you? ...

I'm sick of my wicked thoughts and all that's in me now.
I'm seeking for a second conversion..
All I'm asking for is your sign.
Since I'm not so wise or spiritually awaken,
It would be great of you to let me have a spiritual mentor.
You've promised that you would show me what's unsearchable and great..
now I want to get ready to see them.

#6, A little bit more conviction

I have no clue what I have been going through lately. 

I seemed to realize the urgency of coming before Him, but there's nothing I have done to show that I did realize. I would just talk about how I should be praying and all that, but it's always easier said than done. Although it's very fortunate to know that I have not yet reached to the point of being desensitized to the miserable pain my soul is in, that alone means nothing when I lack motivation to change and the nail of my terribly wicked behaviors and immoral thoughts continuously pierce through Jesus hands and feet on the cross. 

But today, I once again was encouraged to open up my bible, and flipped through it to find the scripture which struck my heart during the worship service. It reads: 

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy spirit who has been given to us. (Roman 5:1-6)

No wonder I'm not okay! 

I haven't been justified by faith, I have no peace with God lately, I am not standing in his grace, and of course I am not rejoicing in hope of the glory of God. THAT's why I screamed at the top of my lungs when I encountered any sufferings rather than to rejoice in it. 

However badly tangled my thoughts are, how intense my situation might seem, and whatever I'm about to experience, I once again am willing to leave them all up to Him and let my life be a living proof of God's divine intervention. Let these words be sweet in your ear, Lord...

#5 Someday,

언젠가는 그런날이 오겠지
혼자만의 시간속, 남몰래 돌아서서 흘렸던 눈물
수백, 수천명의 '너' 가운데 하나의 빛이되어 돌아올날이..

언젠가는 그런날이 오겠지
지긋이 감은 두눈너머로 걱정근심 다 내려놓고
잔잔한 파도소리에 몸을 맡긴채 네 속삭임을 들어줄날이..

언젠가는 그런날이 오겠지
추구할 미래가 있었던 청춘의 날을 그리워하며
젊었을때 최선을 다해준 내자신에게 감사할날이..

(translations to be updated soon)

#4, endless

I tried to throw myself into a deep contemplation to ascertain myself in this situation. But it is bringing me more complexity instead, slowly toxicating the reality in my head--It came to me like a mellow chocolate that made my pupils dilate with a swallow. As more and more of it settled deep inside of me, it’s now beginning to sway me so I can accept it as a pre-ordained part of who I am from time immemorial. I feel like I’m trapped in thoughts that are haunting in my mind day and night, and it never fails to make me wallow in emotional ups-and-downs.

Maybe I’m trifling with something trivial
Or maybe I’m only making a meaningless wobble..
I don’t really know.

But I’m sure of one thing—that is to escape from you.