#6, A little bit more conviction

I have no clue what I have been going through lately. 

I seemed to realize the urgency of coming before Him, but there's nothing I have done to show that I did realize. I would just talk about how I should be praying and all that, but it's always easier said than done. Although it's very fortunate to know that I have not yet reached to the point of being desensitized to the miserable pain my soul is in, that alone means nothing when I lack motivation to change and the nail of my terribly wicked behaviors and immoral thoughts continuously pierce through Jesus hands and feet on the cross. 

But today, I once again was encouraged to open up my bible, and flipped through it to find the scripture which struck my heart during the worship service. It reads: 

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy spirit who has been given to us. (Roman 5:1-6)

No wonder I'm not okay! 

I haven't been justified by faith, I have no peace with God lately, I am not standing in his grace, and of course I am not rejoicing in hope of the glory of God. THAT's why I screamed at the top of my lungs when I encountered any sufferings rather than to rejoice in it. 

However badly tangled my thoughts are, how intense my situation might seem, and whatever I'm about to experience, I once again am willing to leave them all up to Him and let my life be a living proof of God's divine intervention. Let these words be sweet in your ear, Lord...

#5 Someday,

언젠가는 그런날이 오겠지
혼자만의 시간속, 남몰래 돌아서서 흘렸던 눈물
수백, 수천명의 '너' 가운데 하나의 빛이되어 돌아올날이..

언젠가는 그런날이 오겠지
지긋이 감은 두눈너머로 걱정근심 다 내려놓고
잔잔한 파도소리에 몸을 맡긴채 네 속삭임을 들어줄날이..

언젠가는 그런날이 오겠지
추구할 미래가 있었던 청춘의 날을 그리워하며
젊었을때 최선을 다해준 내자신에게 감사할날이..

(translations to be updated soon)

#4, endless

I tried to throw myself into a deep contemplation to ascertain myself in this situation. But it is bringing me more complexity instead, slowly toxicating the reality in my head--It came to me like a mellow chocolate that made my pupils dilate with a swallow. As more and more of it settled deep inside of me, it’s now beginning to sway me so I can accept it as a pre-ordained part of who I am from time immemorial. I feel like I’m trapped in thoughts that are haunting in my mind day and night, and it never fails to make me wallow in emotional ups-and-downs.

Maybe I’m trifling with something trivial
Or maybe I’m only making a meaningless wobble..
I don’t really know.

But I’m sure of one thing—that is to escape from you.

#3, 落花, the falling blossom.

I sense the coming of a season of the falling blossom, even to the very one that used to melt away my stress. One, two, three, four… The falling blossom is paving the streets white, and the fragrance of flowers carried by the gentle breeze is becoming obscure. Where you used to be, I see many different colors instead, and I believe our Polaroid memories will fly away under the wings of time..

There’s always been something secret deep within me,
and that never let my gratitude out to you.

I could never return your smile..

But as for now, I’ll speechlessly stand in distance, watching your free fall while I’m profoundly regretting for making everything sorrowful..
If you will ever allow a single word for me to say, that will be my sweetest goodbye.

‘Farewell’

#2, iridescence.

Seems like it doesn’t even matter how hard I try. What comes back to me after all my efforts looks like nothing but a cold sneer, fading out of my sight as tears of frustration stream down my face.
In great dismay I try to run away from the place where millions of thoughts are caving around me, but only to find out that I am still standing in the same spot.

Thoughts that never go away...

I finally let myself indulge fear and fall in a bottomless pit deep within me. I feel my visions getting bleary, and my scream slowly becoming indistinct.
Then there’s a long silence as who I think ‘I am’ fades away like a tinted shadow.

Hope I won’t wake up in a cold sweat.


...

#1, the beginning.

What have long been forgotten through my indifference has now come back to me like obstacles on my way. It was abandoned out of my sight for so long that it finally decided to bother me a little bit. However, I'm glad I realized this, and I'll be looking forward to my future endeavor to better deal with this. Each post will be a part of continuum of improvement, and I hope I'll see a significant difference by the time I write 100th post.